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An address... from the New President.
Associates, I have not known you for long. Indeed some of this length has been worldly. Some have gone deep; some may have gone shallow; I, by vivid ineluctable contrast, am pure artifice, a husk of a man - but what a husk. Here is a list of people and things I despise: *'Bruckner's sixth symphony': it's stupid *'Ping pong': what use have I for empty balls? Prosthetics? Not bloody likely. *'Birds' nests'. I take very opportunity to tread on the beastly things. *'Mother's boorish euphemisms': it's a tallywhacker, not a todger. *'Boarding houses'. Brothels without the saz. *'Work'. I have had many jobs, but I have broken everything. Bereft, I applied for this position, but I believe it is unpaid. Anyone? *'Fruit on sticks'. Canapés of any sort. *'All Havisocks' remain abhorrent to me, be they Belgian or Norse. *When people ask me what I believe in I have only two possible responses: "nothing" or "tits". On any particular day, the answer depends on the weight of my balls. *When emptying the presidential purse, I am always carefull to spend its seed productively; only the lithe and buxom impress upon me. I have taken Venezulan girls to task but milk does not make a meal. *If I could empty the presidential balls individually, I would be twice the man I am, but have at least eightfold problems. *I lean to the right. I dress to the right. O' happy congruence. *That's why I can never serve drinks. *(On architecture) I've seen bricks; I've seen towers, I like Pisa because its not quite plum enough for most people. No double-barrelled discharge from that one. *(On architecture again)…Well, I Rodgered her in a steeple once, so I suppose they have some use. *(On Toys R Us) ...If I ever pass through its doors again, it'll be at four in the morning, blind drunk, and behind the wheel of an Austin Maestro. (I find the Allegro little too Ill-balanced; the Montego, I always feel should haven "r" in it; the Aurora was a vehicle of my own invention which neither of the companies under discussion would produce.) *I chase tail as I prepare a Christmas dinner: with full goose. *When will the Chinese finally do the decent thing, and just let these bloody pandas die? They contribute nothing to society except meat. *The state of nature becomes the state of war once some little scrote starts picking pound coins from the back of my sofa. After that, the gloves are off. In any case, the joke's on him; the coins are covered in crumbs likely as not. *Samuel Pepys. Sad old curmudgeon wouldn't know a chamber maid's arse if it dressed itself up in fake tits and sat on him. (NB. My own hired help has a real hiney) *Is it time to rewrite the laws of physics... No?.. Well bugger off and wake me up again when it is. *(On his family's role in the war)... Grandfather told me that he'd been bobbing around in that dinghy in the German Bight for about five days before he regained the sense to make any from decision: it was time for a wank... (winking) I'll be it was closer to five minutes. *(On boxing)...I've gone ten rounds; I won't say with whom. I've taken ten men at once; I won't say why. I've rung the bell; I won't say whose. It ended in tears: mine. *(On clairvoyants)...I readily employ them.